Winging It: The One With
by Pavlova Lamington
Summary: The insanity continues in episode 2 of Winging It. Joe Quincy is driving everyone nuts, and Amy has been kidnapped by terrorists.


**WINGING IT**

**_Episode Two: The One With Special Guest Star Matthew Perry_**

_(also entitled: See? We Don't Need Rob Lowe To Attract A Younger Audience.)_

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_Sam storms through the halls, looking furious, attracting many confused glances from those around him._

BONNIE: What's up with him?

GINGER: He just found out that Steve Irwin won the California 47th.

BONNIE: Crikey.

_SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY, as Joe Quincy, is working in his "office". Josh is also there for some unspecified reason. There is a brief period of silence before Josh finally speaks._

JOSH: You know what?

JOE: What?

JOSH: This Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue is a lot nicer than Ainsley's Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue.

JOE: Ah.

JOSH: I'm just saying...

VOICE THAT SOUNDS VERY MUCH LIKE DONNA'S: Josh, what the hell are you doing down here?

_A woman who looks very much like Donna enters._

JOSH: Donna?

WOMAN WHO LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE DONNA: Yeah?

JOSH: It's you?

WOMAN WHO LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE DONNA, MOST LIKELY BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHO SHE IS: Were you expecting someone else?

JOSH: They told me you were dead!

DONNA: That was almost a whole episode ago, Josh. _(off Josh's confused expression) _Oh, my God. Don't tell me you thought I was gonna _stay _dead! Think seriously: if, and only if, you managed to avoid getting killed by getting caught under an avalanche of paperwork, you'd probably find yourself married to Amy or some other force of evil within a week.

JOSH: _(looking uneasy as he remembers Mary-Sue)_ Donna...

DONNA: Yes?

JOSH: When you were, you know, dead, Leo hired this woman...

DONNA: Mary-Sue.

JOSH: How did you know?

DONNA: Oh, I saw a group of aides trying to lynch her in the lobby.

JOSH: _(shocked) _They're lynching my girlfriend-slash-assistant? And you didn't do anything about it!

DONNA: _(raises an eyebrow) _Josh, think about what you're saying here.

JOSH: Ah. Point taken.

JOE: So, Josh, here's the thing I don't get: You can get away with dating this woman who works for you and who nobody – yourself included – can stand, but you can't go out with your assistant Donna who you're obviously crazy about and who obviously returns the feelings, because?

_Josh and Donna turn to stare at Joe._

DONNA: What is he doing in here?

JOE: This is my office!

DONNA: Hm. That's what they all say.

_Cut to the Situation Room. Everybody (including Nancy McNally, Admiral Fitzwallace and SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY, as Joe Quincy) stands as the President enters the room with Leo. Everybody is looking at Joe a little strangely._

BARTLET: You know, Joe, I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to be in here.

JOE: I'm pretty sure I'm not, too, sir.

BARTLET: I'm pretty sure we have a sign on the door...

JOE: Yes sir, I saw it.

_There is a short silence in which everyone stares at Joe (SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY)._

BARTLET: So, are you down here for a reason, or...?

JOE: No, no, I'm just standing here, Mr. President.

BARTLETvRight. So, Fitz, what have we got?

FITZ: We've got some baddies attacking some goodies, Mr. President.

LEO: Which baddies?

FITZ: I'm sorry?

BARTLET: I think what Leo means is, there are a lot of bad guys on this show, so which ones are the causing problem, now?

FITZ: _(surprised) _Republicans, sir, naturally.

_All eyes on the room turn to Joe._

JOE: What are you all staring at me for? I'm a Republican, not an international terrorist!

LEO: I never realised the two were mutually exclusive.

JOE: Hey!

_Everyone continues to stare._

JOE: What?

LEO: Joe, tell us again why you're in here.

JOE: Hey, I didn't have anything to do with this... _(he stops, realising that nobody has really given any real details on the situation, and is forced to finish off lamely) _thing.

_Surprise ripples through the room at this. Joe looks around confusedly._

JOE: What is it?

BARTLET: What did you just say?

JOE: Sir, I just... all I said was that I never had anything to do with-

LEO: '-with this _thing_'.

_Everyone eyes him with a new respect._

LEO: _(nods) _He's one of us.

JOE: _(bewildered) _Um, sure.

BARTLET: _(returning his attention back to the situation with the... thing) _Okay, what have you got for me, Fitz?

FITZ: Mr. President?

BARTLET: Don't you guys have any, you know, satellite images or anything to show me?

FITZ: Not this time, sir.

BARTLET: How come?

FITZ: Our printers all ran out of ink.

_Cut to Toby's office. Toby watches proudly as two small children proceed to upset every single item on his desk. Andy, CJ, Josh, Sam, Will and Joe (SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY) are also present._

TOBY: _(proudly) _That one's Molly, and the one smashing all the keys in on my laptop is Huck.

WILL: Don't you want to take it off him in case he does some- _(the laptop crashes to the floor)_ –damage?

TOBY: _(unconcerned) _Oh, it's okay. They're just playing.

WILL: Um, okay.

TOBY: _(his eyes still on the children) _They look like their mother.

_Everyone looks at him._

TOBY: Well? Don't they?

SAM: Well, sure, I guess...

JOSH: Of course.

CJ: The spitting image.

TOBY: _(watching the two children proudly as they begin to tear up a pile of paperwork)_ But they've got their dad's eyes, don't you think?

JOSH: Uh, Toby...

TOBY: What is it?

_Josh looks at Will. Will shakes his head; he's not going to be the one to spill the beans. He looks to CJ, who looks pointedly at Sam. Sam promptly turns to Joe._

JOE: Why me?

_Josh, CJ, Will and Sam continue to stare at him._

TOBY: What is it?

CJ: _(pointedly) _Yes, Joe, why don't you tell us?

JOE: _(clears his throat nervously)_ Uh, Toby... those aren't your kids.

TOBY: What do you mean they aren't my kids? _(looks at Andy) _What are they talking about? How can they not be my kids!

JOE: Well, for starters, your children were born a couple of months ago, and these kids are, like, four years old.

TOBY: They've gone through a growth spurt.

JOE: Also, Molly and Huck are, you know, a girl and a boy. These two are both girls. And they're wearing name stickers that say they're called Gertrude and Serena.

TOBY: _(stares at Andy in disbelief) _What are you doing, bringing a couple of kids into my office?

ANDY: You said it was okay!

TOBY: You said it was gonna be the twins!

ANDY: I did not say that, you just assumed it. Besides, you wouldn't have even known the difference if Joe hadn't pointed it out to you.

TOBY: _(frustrated) _Well- just- just... get them off my desk, I've got important paperwork and stuff on there, you can't just let them crawl all over it like-

ANDY: You didn't seem to mind when you thought they were Molly and Huck.

TOBY: Get them out of here!

_Andy shrugs, and complies._

TOBY: _(as she exits) _And I did not think that they were Molly and Huck.

ANDY: _(leaving with the two children) _Of course not.

TOBY: I did not think that. I didn't! I wasn't fooled for a minute. They weren't wearing their hats!

_Cut to Bartlet, Leo and Joe (SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY), in the Oval Office._

BARTLET: ...and they're saying the Majority Leader is holding a class of innocent schoolchildren hostage, while various Republican congressmen engage in a public puppy-butchering session, murdering helpless puppy dogs for the sheer pleasure of it, and anybody who speaks out against them risks having their homes burned to the ground and their families labelled outcast?

LEO: That's right, Mr. President.

BARTLET: And that doesn't sound a little... out-of-character to you?

LEO: They're Republicans. What character?

JOE: Standing right here, you know.

BARTLET: _(frowning) _Still, I'm sensing some kind of subliminal message in this... _(reads back over the report) _No, it's gone now.

_There is a knock on the door and Charlie steps in._

BARTLET: Hey, Charlie.

_Charlie smiles forlornly and gives a wave._

LEO: What's wrong with him?

BARTLET: Maxed out on his dialogue limit.

LEO: _(disbelieving) _Again?

_Charlie attempts to mime a response._

LEO: You fell into a sandbox that was filled with cranberry juice?

_Charlie shakes his head._

LEO: The assistants are playing hide and seek in the Roosevelt room?

_Charlie sighs, never mind. He then points to the door, indicating that somebody is waiting outside._

BARTLET: Who is it, Charlie?

_Charlie mimes his reply. The President, Leo and Joe look at him uncomprehendingly._

BARTLET: Okay, let's try it this way: Charlie, how many people are there?

_Charlie holds up five fingers._

BARTLET: The first person, is it a male?

_Charlie nods._

BARTLET: A relative of mine?

_He shakes his head._

LEO: A White House staffer?

_Another nod._

BARTLET: Older that me?

_Charlie just looks at him. Bartlet glares._

BARTLET: No, then.

LEO: Hair?

_Charlie mimes a beard._

BARTLET & LEO: _(excitedly) _Toby!

_Charlie nods._

BARTLET: Okay, the next person-

_Charlie sighs and throws open the door, to admit Toby, Sam, Josh, Will and CJ._

BARTLET: Hey, guys. The Republicans are taking out their rage on helpless puppy dogs.

TOBY: And we're still claiming to be a completely unbiased representation of American politics?

_Suddenly, the door flies open to admit a deeply concerned Ron Butterfield._

RON: Mr. President! We've just received reports that the First Lady's chief of staff, Amy Gardner, has been kidnapped outside her home!

_Silence fills the room as the news begins to sink in._

BARTLET: Okay, what's next?

_Cut to Sam, walking through the corridors._

JOSH: Sam!

SAM: _(turning around)_ Hey! Any news on the thing?

JOSH: You mean the thing with the...

SAM: Yeah, that one.

JOSH: It's not looking good.

SAM: I thought we were making progress on this thing?

JOSH: Are you kidding me? Things have gone from bad to worse. Kinsey's saying-

SAM: Senator Kinsey? How did he get involved?

JOSH: He was always involved.

SAM: No he- Hang on a minute... are we talking about the same thing, here?

JOSH: _(frowning) _I thought that... What was your thing?

SAM: What was your thing?

JOSH: I... don't... really think it matters that much.

SAM: You can't remember?

JOSH: _(is silent a moment) _I've got to go deal with a thing. _(he leaves abruptly)_

_Cut to the press room, where CJ is briefing the press._

REPORTERS: CJ! CJ!

CJ: Chris.

CHRIS: What is Joe doing here?

CJ: You know, I find that everything becomes a lot easier once you stop asking those kinds of questions and accept that, while it may be that all things happen for a reason, oftentimes it just comes down to ratings. Mark.

MARK: CJ, is it true that the First Lady's chief of staff has been kidnapped, and if so, what action is being taken?

CJ: Yes, it's true; Amy Gardner was abducted outside her home several hours ago.

MARK: And?

CJ: _(not following) _And...?

MARK: Is anything being done about it?

CJ: Such as?

MARK: Well, are you guys conducting a search, or...

CJ: Well, we're throwing a party Monday night in celebration of her almost certain demise. Is that what you meant?

_Cut to the President walking out of the Oval Office. Abbey is waiting by Charlie's desk._

BARTLET: Hey. Are you speaking to me, or...?

ABBEY: No, I think we're good.

BARTLET: _(relieved) _Okay.

ABBEY: I'm not a hundred per cent sure, though, so I'm gonna throw a glare at you every now and then, you know, just in case. Nothing personal.

BARTLET: Uh, okay... Say, have you seen Zoey lately?

ABBEY: _(glares) _I haven't, why?

BARTLET: _(a little taken aback by her expression) _Well... I've been asking around and nobody seems to know where she is.

ABBEY: That might be on account of her having been kidnapped by terrorists.

BARTLET: _(shocked) _Zoey was kidnapped by terrorists? Wow, is it just me, or is this kind of thing happening more and more often lately?

ABBEY: It's the falling ratings, I guess.

BARTLET: Well, did we do anything about it?

ABBEY: I don't know, I think you may have evoked the 25th, but then everybody forgot about it after that huge muffin crisis...

BARTLET: _(frowns) _Our daughter was kidnapped by terrorists, aren't you a little concerned about what's going to become of her?

ABBEY: Jed, haven't you noticed? Zoey isn't very widely-liked around here.

BARTLET: What does that have to-

ABBEY: See, in my experience, the least-liked people tend to live longest.

BARTLET: _(concerned)_ But, then, where does that put me? Everybody likes me!

ABBEY: _(consolingly) _Of course they don't.

BARTLET: Who doesn't like me?

ABBEY: Well, Republicans, for a start. Congress, the Pentagon, the people of Qumar, me, the whole continent of Asia... I don't think you've got anything to worry about.

BARTLET: Well, if I'm really that widely hated I think I _do _have something to worry about, but we'll get to that later...

ABBEY: So, can I just ask one question?

BARTLET: Sure.

ABBEY: What's Joe doing here?

_They both slowly turn to stare at Joe._

_Cut to Will, walking out into Toby's office. The communications director is nowhere to be seen, but the Robert Palmer girls and Joe are waiting there._

WILL: _(sighing) _Why do I always get stuck with you guys?

_The Laurens and Cassie give Will a dangerous look._

WILL: _(hurriedly) _Not... that I don't... enjoy your company, but... I was just wondering how come you four are the only people in this building I ever get to have proper conversations with.

LAUREN CHEN: It's a newbie thing.

WILL: _(confused) _A newbie thing...?

LAUREN SHELBY: Yeah. See, you've gotta work you way up, Will.

CASSIE: You can't expect to steal every scene on your first day.

WILL: _(looking at Joe) _Umm...

LAUREN SHELBY: Oh, Joe's different.

LAUREN ROMANO: He's special.

WILL: I'm not special?

_There is a long silence._

A LAUREN (it's pointless trying to differentiate between them all, really): As I was saying – you've got to work your way up.

_Toby walks in._

TOBY: What are you people doing in my office?

WILL: I was looking for you.

TOBY: _(looking around at Joe, Cassie and the Laurens) _So you decided to recruit search party?

WILL: No, they were just here.

TOBY: Well, can they not be here any more?

_The Robert Palmer girls exit. Joe doesn't, but everybody's all but given up trying to get rid of him by this point. Toby takes one look at Joe, then hangs his coat up on him._

WILL: Toby, listen, we really need to get a speechwriting staff.

TOBY: We've got a speechwriting staff.

WILL: _(looking out at the Robert Palmer girls in the bullpen)_ They're not speechwriters, they're interns.

TOBY: They're speechwriters now.

WILL: What?

TOBY: Well, I figured since you seemed to work so well together...

WILL: Oh, God, don't tell me...

TOBY: Say hello to your new speechwriting staff.

_Cut to the ladies' bathroom. CJ walks in to find Donna standing in front of the mirror, her hands gripping the sides of the sink basin._

CJ: Donna, what are you doing in here?

DONNA: I'm hiding.

CJ: Hiding from whom?

DONNA: From Joe! Haven't you noticed? He's everywhere lately.

CJ: I know! I heard he's sat in on every meeting in the Oval Office today. Somebody said he had breakfast at the Residence with the President and First Lady, Toby's taken to barricading his office to keep him out, Carol swears that he followed her to work this morning, and he's been at every one of my press briefings. It's starting to get really spooky.

DONNA: He also stood in on this really shippy moment between me and Josh. I asked him what he thought he was doing, and he made up some excuse about it being his office!

CJ: The nerve!

DONNA: So anyway, I figure this is the one place I'll be safe from him.

CJ: Just don't stay in here too long, Josh has been looking for you. And when I say looking, I mean he's screaming the place down trying to find you. He's saying he wants you dead or alive. The interns and Joe are getting really freaked out.

DONNA: _(shuddering at the mention of Joe) _Tell him I'm not budging; he can move his office in here.

CJ: Will do. But don't be surprised... if...

_The sound of a toilet flushing is heard in the background and Joe wanders out of a cubicle, past the two women and out the door. CJ and Donna stare after him._

_Cut to Josh, storming through the corridors with Joe (SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY... in case you've forgotten) at his heels._

JOSH: DONNA!

MARY-SUE: Hi, Josh.

JOSH: Mary-Sue! I thought the assistants had sacrificed you to a pagan god!

MARY-SUE: Well, they tried to, but I fought them off with my super-human strength.

JOSH: Super-human strength?

MARY-SUE: Well... _(gasp!deepdarksecret!gasp!)_

JOSH: _(looking past Mary-Sue) _Hey... is that a wild boar?

_Josh and Joe run over to get a closer look, leaving Mary-Sue standing there on her own._

MARY-SUE: _(pouts) _Humph!

_She stamps her foot and turns to walk back, coming face to face with Carol, in war-paint and carrying a spear!_

CAROL: I FOUND HER! SHE'S OVER HERE!

_Ginger, Bonnie, Cathy and Margaret dash towards Mary-Sue, their faces painted like Carol's and carrying similar weapons._

GINGER: GET HER!

MARY-SUE: JOSH! SAVE ME!

_Mary-Sue squeals and runs off._

_Josh and Joe look around as some Secret Service agents escort the boar out of the building to see the assistants chasing Mary-Sue. They look at each other. Josh shrugs._

JOSH: Assistant thing.

_Cut to the Oval Office. A grave-face Ron faces the President, Leo and Joe._

RON: Mr. President, we've received a ransom note from a group of Qumari terrorists who claim to be responsible for Amy Gardner's kidnapping.

BARTLET: What are they asking for, a prize? A medal?

RON: _(grimly) _Not quite, sir.

_Ron hands the President the letter. As Bartlet reads the note his expression changes._

BARTLET: You're... positive that this isn't some kind of hoax?

RON: Yes, sir.

BARTLET: There's no chance that they could be bluffing?

RON: No, sir.

_The President says nothing, deeply worried._

LEO: Mr. President, if you don't comply with their commands, then they're going to release Amy Gardner.

_Fade out as Ron, Leo, Bartlet and Joe (played by SPECIAL GUEST STAR MATTHEW PERRY) exchange grave expressions._

_Cut to the Operations bullpen, where everybody (including Joe) is congregated for no discernable reason.__The atmosphere is tense. Suddenly, Sam runs in excitedly._

SAM: Hey, guys!

_Everyone looks around._

CJ: You've got news?

SAM: _(grinning) _I've got news! Amy's dead!

BARTLET: You're kidding!

SAM: I'm not.

LEO: We know this for sure?

SAM: Oh, I think we can safely say that she's no more.

WILL: What makes you so confident?

SAM: _(confidently) _Trust me, Will, Amy's dead. She told me so herself.

_Everyone turns to stare at Sam._

SAM: What?

_Amy walks in. Insert Imperial March here._

AMY: Hi, guys. What's going on?

_Everyone backs away slowly, fearfully. They know that all is lost, for she has them cornered, and there is no escape... unless..._

_Donna runs in carrying a bucket of water which she throws over Amy's head._

TOBY: Well, that was convenient.

AMY: _(screams) _I'm melting! I'm melting!

_Amy proceeds to do so and is soon no more than a puddle of some highly acidic solution which quickly begins to eat a hole in the floor._

BARTLET: There goes the Wicked Witch of the West Wing.

DONNA: The Witch is dead!

WILL: The Witch is dead!

SAM: _(sings) _Ding, dong, the Witch is dead!

TOBY: Which old witch?

CJ: The Wicked Witch!

ALL: DING, DONG, THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD!

_Singing and dancing ensues._

ABBEY: Wait!

_Everyone stops, and looks at Abbey._

ABBEY: How can you be celebrating? This is terrible! My chief of staff is gone! How am I supposed to find somebody so widely-despised by the rest of the staff to put beside me so that I'll look great in comparison?

_All look at each other._

JOSH: Take Joe!

_This is met with unanimous approval._

TOBY: Yes, take Joe!

CJ: Just the man for the job!

_Joe looks horrified._

ABBEY: But Joe's a Republican!

BARTLET: Hey, we're all for bipartisanship in this White House. Now, take the dirty conservative scumbag and be done with it.

JOE: But I already have a job!

LEO: Well, if it makes you feel better... _(shrugs) _You're fired. You'll take the job now?

JOE: But-

BARTLET: Good man. Abigail, he's all yours.

_Fade out on Joe's expression of utter horror._

_**ROLL CREDITS**  
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_A/N: Sorry for the delay on episode 2 – exams and then a week without a computer set me back a little. If you liked this episode, review! If you hated it, review anyway, and tell me why it sucked! Look out for episode 3, Total Crackplot Day – coming soon. ;) -Jess_


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